i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
