I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
