This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
