I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
