You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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