I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
