Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
