I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
