things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
