Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
A bitchslap is in order.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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