Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
