why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
