Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
