I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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