i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
