Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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