i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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