Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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