What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
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I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
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He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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