I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
