i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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