These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i out mim tonsoeep
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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