and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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