Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
