i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
