The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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