I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
