I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
