Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
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He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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