conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
