and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
