Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
