He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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