New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
