Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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