Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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