The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
