i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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