Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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