Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
