with your own penis?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Shame - the story of my life.
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