Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
