like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Randomize
