im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
