I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
