you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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