he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
