I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.