quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.