I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls