Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
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There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
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We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.