I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
