I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
