Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
time to smoke my breakfast
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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