Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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