I wish I only lived at night.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
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A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
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i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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