Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
