Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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