areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
