It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
