You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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